


Closet Taoism

by metal_dog5



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-07-27
Updated: 1999-07-27
Packaged: 2019-02-12 03:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12950265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metal_dog5/pseuds/metal_dog5
Summary: Mulder and Krycek go on an adventure, in which Mulder learns a little bit about himself.





	Closet Taoism

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is probably one of the first I ever wrote and shared with people online. This was written as a companion piece to _Another Side_ , which I believe is no longer available online. If I find a link, I'll add it. I've made a couple of very minor edits, but it's pretty much as was first published all those years ago.

 

I've been contemplating changing my name by deed poll to something more appropriate.  Idiot Mulder doesn't sound any better than Fox Mulder, but at least it would be accurate.

 

So here I am, once again in _another_  cell.  Brought here by more goons dressed in black, biding my time until Scully collects me.  At least this little venture won't be a total bust.  I had seen the alien fetus.  Held it in my hands for a few brief minutes.  And Krycek has the file.

 

Krycek.

 

It's only now that I realise what a complete and total fuck-up our lives have been.  One bad choice after another.  And I started it.

 

This time the moonlight did me in.  His face highlighted by moonlight reminded me about last night, when I watched him on the couch.

 

I shouldn't have watched.  How was I supposed to know he was unaware of my presence?

 

After our little discussion, Krycek's confession, I retreated into myself.  All this time I'd blamed him for so many things, only to discover I had help create the man he is today.  An eye for an eye, or in our case a father for a father.  He goes to the morgue for his, I get to be present for mine.

 

So once we got back to the apartment, I took the easy way out and hid in the bedroom.  I tried to sleep on that creaky, lumpy bed, but the sheets and pillow smelled like him.  I  couldn't get comfortable anyway, so I thought I see if Krycek wanted the bed back.

 

I could just see him laying on the couch.  A solitary beam of light peered through the gap between the blind and the curtain of the window.  He was a masterpiece in shades of grey.

 

As I stood in the doorway, he closed his eyes and sighed.  I took a step forward and his hand went to his groin.  Another step forward and the blanket slid from his torso.  I could see him stroking himself.  Slow, even strokes.  Slow, even, *long* strokes.  My mouth went dry, my prick went hard, and I forgot how to breathe.

 

I knelt at the end of the couch to watch the show.  He was beautiful.  Eyes closed, lips slightly parted, neck slightly arched as he maintained that tortuously slow rhythm.  Every now and again he made a breathy sigh which sounded like my name.

 

Then his back arched, his breath stopped as he caught his bottom lip between his teeth and he came.  His hot, heady scent assaulted my senses.   I wanted to lick his glistening belly, taste him.  I wanted to kiss his mouth and mark it with my own gentle bite.  I wanted to rub myself along his length until he came again.  I wanted, I wanted...  I waited for him to acknowledge me again.

 

That's when I found out he didn't even know I was there.  Another classic Mulder fuckup.  Maybe, if I wrote to FOX, they'd give me my own show.

 

To cover my mistake, once again I took what I thought was the easy road.  I told him I wanted to go back and get the file.  And with that we're off on our merry little adventure once again.

 

Once we ditched the car, we travelled through empty fields broken up by patches of taller weeds.   His presence was clouding my mind.  I kept wanting to touch him, and every now and again I did, covering by asking him questions.  I learnt his reasons for doing what he had weren't selfish.  Far from it.

 

***

 

I drew as close as I could into his space, our faces an inch apart.  I could feel his warm breath over my face, and I was fighting myself not to push forward and take what I wanted.   Instead I asked him something which had had me puzzled for a while.

 

"Krycek, if you got involved with these people to avenge yourself on me, and now they have no control over you, why are you still here?"

 

I really wanted to know the answer.  Just when I didn't think he'd say anything he told me.

 

"Mulder, if you want to get anywhere working for these people, you do everything they ask you to.  And you don't complain, and you don't ask questions, and

you do a good job.  And even when you're a favourite, you don't get to pick and choose your 'assignments'.  I wasn't just sipping martinis on the beach when I wasn't dealing with you.

 

"Mulder, they didn't just call me up one morning and say, 'Mr. Krycek, you have a decision to make.  Do you or do you not want to know about the impending alien invasion of this planet?  Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'"

 

"So you've done all of this because you're worried about the aliens?"

 

"Christ, Mulder!  Yes.  I'm terrified of it!"  He couldn't look at me any longer.  "If you knew the dreams I've been having..."

 

I didn't doubt for a second those dreams would be horrific, knowing he'd seen more than I had.  Mine were bad enough.

 

***

 

It felt like we'd been walking for an eternity when we spied the small copse of trees.  Ideal place for  a short rest, especially since the humidity level had risen.  I watched him as he watched the sky.  I watched him in the moonlight.

 

I decided to take off before I gave into my impulses. Krycek overtook me, and I reached out to slow him down.  When he turned to me with his lips parted to speak, he looked just like he did on the couch.  This time when my brain stopped working, I just did it.  I kissed him.

 

I kissed Alex Krycek.  He kissed me back.

 

And it was good.

 

Too good.  His body was a mass of taunt, trembling muscle under my fingertips.  His mouth felt unexpectedly soft against mine, and when our tongues met...

 

I wanted to pull him down onto the cool grass to kiss him some more.  I wanted to divest him of his clothes and worship his body with my tongue. I wanted to feel his warmth next to my skin.  I wanted our bodies to become one.  I wanted... I wanted...

 

His words came back to me. _Sometimes you just have to be organic, act without thinking at all._   I didn't think, and it felt so good.  Then I remembered we were here for another reason.  Forcing myself to stop kissing him was hard.  The stunned look on his face made me want to apologise, but that would entail speaking, and I didn't have the capacity to do it.  So, I did what seems to be my one and only defence mechanism, I ran away.

 

***

 

It was easy enough to retrieve the file we'd come for.  My file.

 

Once we were inside the place Krycek called the Office, it was just a matter of disabling a few alarms, and the booby trap on filing cabinet itself.  I was surprised at how big my file actually was.  Maybe Krycek had told me the truth, everything about my life was in here.  I just had to wait until we were back at the apartment to find out.  All I knew was at that moment I felt something more than just gratitude towards my accomplice.  Something more than simple lust.

 

Friendship.

 

For me, that's rarer than a sighting of Samantha.  I can count all the people I truly call my friend on one hand.  These are the people who I can depend on, who I can _trust_.  Alex Krycek had joined their numbers.

 

"Let's get the hell outta here."  As I go to the door, his voice stopped me in my tracks.  I couldn't figure out what he was doing to the wall.  It looked like he was feeling for something.  An opening appeared in the wall, and wisps of smoke? drifted to the floor.  Krycek reached in and grabbed what looked to be a canister.

 

"What the hell is it, Krycek?" I asked. 

 

"Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown." He held the canister aloft for me to see its contents.  My file and this.  An alien fetus.  I felt lightheaded.  How much proof can a man take?

 

As we were leaving, he stopped so suddenly I walked straight into him.  If it wasn't for his swearing very loudly...

 

"Krycek!  What the hell are you doing - move!"

 

"Why?  They know, Mulder.  It doesn't matter."

 

"What?"

 

"The lights, Mulder!  Fuck!  The lights!  They're out.  They don't ever turn out the lights.  Not in this area."

 

He wasn't making any sense to me.  What the hell did the lights have to do with anything at all.

 

"The lights, Mulder.  They weren't out ten minutes ago, and they are now."

 

And with that little announcement, the tattoo of booted feet drew closer.  I frantically looked for another way out, while Krycek just stood there.  It dawned on me there was only one way out for us.  Unfortunately for me, Krycek wasn't on the same planet.  So I slapped him.  Hard.  I pushed the file into his arms, and took the canister from him. 

 

He still hadn't caught on to what I was about to do.

 

"Get the fuck out of here!  Take the file - go to my apartment.  Go!  Do it!"

 

"But-"

 

"You have a chance of getting out of here.  You know this building; I don't.  They won't touch me - now go."  I shoved him away and awaited for the goon squad to arrive.  They timed it perfectly.  Krycek had vanished and I had time to make one quick call on my cell phone.  I didn't even attempt to hide the canister, hoping none of them would be smart enough to realise I couldn't have found it by myself.  Lucky for me goons are universally stupid regardless who hired them.  It's the green eyed assassins you've got to watch out for.

 

***

 

**Six weeks later.**

 

 

I've been through hell and back.  I automatically lost my job because I didn't attend the review panel for the first B&E charge, on top of the second B&E I was charged with.  No one would believe me that I'd been set up. 

 

Then Scully came forward with the file.  Most of it had been blackened out.  I asked her about it, and she said it was delivered to her like that.  In the timeframe she received it, I knew it had been done prior to our acquisition.

Whoever had done it, had been kind enough to leave just enough relevant information to prove me right.  The attitude of the OPR board nearly made me tell them to stick the job where the sun doesn't shine.  But it's hard enough to fight _Them_  with the resources I have at the FBI. 

 

So now I get to check out piles of cow shit in the name of national security.  Lucky me.  I suppose it could have been worse.  I could have been stuck doing background checks.  Another bonus is Scully is still my partner.  Maybe they think working with me is punishment enough.

 

She and I have come to some sort of understanding about the months I was on the run with Krycek.  She doesn't understand why I feel I can trust him now.  And I don't really want to explain it more than I already have.  I told her the truth, that he taught me a few things about myself.  He taught me about having a life.  About redemption.  About being organic.

 

Then about a fortnight ago he once again managed to rock my world.  I hadn't seen him since I told him to go to my place with the file.  He had disappeared without a trace and I honestly didn't think I was going to see him again.  And then there he was, bold as brass, wearing a better suit and tie than when he actually worked here, standing in the main corridor of the J. Edger Building like he belonged here. 

 

I was stunned. 

 

He stared at me for a moment, and I swear I saw a flash of hurt cross his face just before he turned and walked away.  I _couldn't_  call out to him, bring attention to him _here_ , and more to the point I was already late for a meeting with Kersh.  Talk about being torn.  Chase Krycek or see Kersh about another pile of shit.  I know what I wanted to do.  Kersh wasn't even on the agenda.

 

I've tried to find him.  But when he goes to ground...  It was hard enough the first time around.  I staked out both his apartment and the apartment we shared, and not once have I seen him or any sign that he'd been at either place.

 

So now I'm going back to our apartment, to see if he there.

 

I can only hope.


End file.
